An alternative perspective on “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”

The archetypal catchphrase from the novel and 1970 film “Love Story” was confusing from the start.

At 12 years old, my parents sat us down to watch the movie and share an iconic media of their generation. Sometime after awkwardly averting our gaze during a sensual scene & the instantly-recognizable piano melody, the female lead imparts this quote. Even my pre-pubescent brain could comprehend that this phrase didn’t make sense with the actress herself finding the line ridiculous.

Kindergarten Morals 101: if you mess up, you apologize. Could you imagine accidentally stepping on a friend’s foot and, in lieu of an apology, declaring “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” as you walk away?

Fast forward 10 years, I encounter love¹ in my first relationship, in which I am exposed to the extremes of my unprecedented worst (and best) selves. As per the tenet, compromise is a continuous practice. Suddenly, this quote becomes “Love means always having to say you’re sorry.” Becoming so comfortable that it led to constantly apologizing for showing my most illogical and petty self. Why do we hurt so much the people we love the most?

Since closing that chapter of my life, I came across a peculiar pattern in some friendships — we were apologizing for going too far with jokes that poke fun at each other (i.e. “Product Owners are a red flag”). In this case, such an apology is unnecessary. Granted that this is a friendship of trust in each other’s intentions and good will, I have no reason to find offense at a humorous teasing regarding my job: I know this person to be kind and true and would not seek to hurt my feelings in any advertent way (it helps that I enjoy & am secure in my profession). If love is this simple, and our actions are always trusted to be with the greatest intentions², perhaps indeed love does entail never having to apologize.

But alas, our love for each other is imperfect. We cause pain and harm to our loved ones out of malicious intent, uncontrolled impulses & emotions, spite, evolutionary self-preservation, convictions relayed awry… With an addendum and an alternative emphasis, we conclude

“Love [can] mean never having to say you’re sorry”

Interpreted as such -

1. given mutual trust, an apology is not compulsory to the persistent love for our friend
2. when offense taken, the friend does not feel forced to apologize, but rather would desire to express empathy for any harm caused
3. when love is imperfect, these two points become moot

[1] In this case, specifically, romantic love. There are many types of love.

[2] Unintended Consequences are an entirely separate topic.

╔═══════════╦═══════════════════╦═══════════════╗
║           ║ bad intentions    ║good intentions║
╠═══════════╬═══════════════════╬═══════════════╣
║ action    ║      huh?         ║      yay      ║
║ positive  ║                   ║               ║
╠═══════════╬═══════════════════╬═══════════════╣
║ action    ║  yay, i guess     ║80% of the time║
║ negative  ║Kim Jong Un, Putin ║               ║
╚═══════════╩═══════════════════╩═══════════════╝